1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at you womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber ans Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avacado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo mowhawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

 

  Well on Wednesday of last week I had shoulder surgery... I hate the recovery of this surgery ! I had my left shoulder done last November and the recovery wasn't too bad. My right hand is supremely dominant, I can hardly do anything without it, but for the next 5 weeks it is in a freaking sling!

  The surgery I had was a labral repair, it was orthoscopic... so it wasn't horrible, but still a procedure that takes 6 months to fully recover from. I know that others can explain what the surgery entails better than I can, but I'll do my best. The Labrum is the cartlage that holds your arm into the shoulder. While playing football in high school I would dislocate my shoulders, but they would go out and right back in. Doing so many times through out the 4 year run in the football program my Larbrum in each shoulder tore. The left shoulder tore in the front of the shoulder so that surgery was relatively easy, they went in and put some screws in with eyelets on top then took some sutures (sp?) and tied the labrum back to the bone and removed a bunch of cartledge that was floating around in my shoulder. The right shoulder was torn in the back of the shoulder, and since the shoulder blade is in the way, they can't go in through the back, they have to go in through the front and work as if they were doing it in a mirror. Apparently the right shoulder was in pretty poor shape, the doctor came out of the over 2 hour surgery with a look of frustration on his face (or so my mom says) and explained that it was very difficult to get to the back of my shoulder and once he was in there he found that the labrum was torn from the 7 to 11 o'clock positions. That is huge for a labral tear, also I had a bone spir they had to shave off, and they had to tack on a ligament as well.
  The recovery SUCKS BALLS! This shoulder hurts just to hurt. The left shoulder was relatively pain free, but the right just aches.

 

  Sometimes I wander if watresses understand that they get tips based on the service that they give.  Last night Raini, Travis, The Chad and I went to Chevy's.  The waitress came and as she was putting down the drink napkins the was telling us the specials of the night... only we didn't hear one word, she mumbled the whole thing.  I couldn't understand one word, all I heard was, "mrhmrmhmrmmrhmrh"  Yeah, that was about it.

  Well I figured to give her another chance befor I doomed her to a horrible tip.  I guess I'm a generous guy.  Well as the night went on she filled our drinks once, then gave us a pitcher of water.  She didn't return to check on us until the food came, then she gave us the food and left.  After we were done eating and dying from dehydration she came with our check.  She didn't even check to see if we needed water... after probably 20mins of waiting for her to come by again, we finally had to wave her down to get a box to put Raini's food in. 

  We came to the conclusion that she sucked as a waitress!  We then decided that she wasn't worthy of our usual large tips.  We ended up giving her a $3 and some odd cent tip, but she didn't even deserve that.

  A word to watresses and waiters:

You got into the buisness to make money, treat those you serve with the same service you would want if you were the customer.  Tips (in my book) are based on service and attitude.  I tip generously and am persuaded greatly by the service as to if the resteraunt is worth going back to.  If you want to keep my and my friends' buisness you better be representin!!! 

 

  It's a universal rule in a man's world that while in the restroom at the urinal, YOU DO NOT TALK TO THOSE NEXT TO YOU!!  It is very uncomfortable and it takes twice as long to do the job your there to do. 

  Today I went into the bathroom and as I walked up to the urinal, a guy came in and started to talk to me as we were peeing.  He went on about how hot it is and how it seems warmer than last summer and how he thinks it's because of all the asphalt around.  As I stood there trying to do my buisiness, he just kept gabbing on about what seemed to be nothing.

  As people talk to you at the urinal, there is a condition that over comes you... it's called stage fright!  Until the guy walked away to wash his hands (yes, he did have the courtesy to wash his hands) I couldn't event start to do my buisness.  It is just wrong to hold a conversation while you are holding other things as well... think about it. 

  So if you see me in the restroom, don't talk to me until we are both finished doing the thing we went there to do.  It's called restroom etiquette... Learn it, Live it, Love it.  PEACE!

 

  The other day Raini and I were talking... about dreams.  Yeah, I'm glad that I can't remember most of my dreams.  I have some wacked out dreams.  On my mission we used to get fed good for dinner.  The members thought it a treat, for the most part, to have the missionaries over for dinner.  The would feed us a big dinner then make us eat a dessert, They were always good, but so much sugar at night messes with you head.  Talk about weird dreams!  A sliver of an example of one of my dreams was... Barney chasing me in a school bus throwing books at me and no matter how fast I ran I was still being gained on.  I hate that damned purple dinosaur! 

  Well as I talked with Raini I realized that society is messing up our dreams, T.V. is the source of all my aggrivations while dreaming.  This is what I mean:  Have you ever thought about it?  As you are having a wonderfully superb dream with the sweetest thoughts and visions you can mentally conjure up, right at the climax of the dream something wakes you up.  AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!  I hate that!  Right as the dream was going to get better there is an interuption.  It's funny how that directly relates to T.V., as you are in the middle of an intense show... commercial!  I understand that the stations need to keep the audience in suspence to keep them watching their station, but they have corrupted our minds!!!  Now while dreaming, as we get to a suspencefull part of the dream it's like we go to commercial break.  Suddenly we are aware of our surroundings and something throws off our concentration.  We end up waking up and not being able to finish the dream.  With T.V. all we have to do is wait 5 minutes for the show to come back on... no, we usually can't do that with our dreams. 

  I do wish I could remember more of my dreams, but at the same time I'm afraid of what my warped mind will think of next.  I think of very bizzar things, those who hangout with me and know me really well already know this.  I don't deny it, that's who I am... but I have some off the hook thoughts sometimes.

 

  When it come to my masculinity, I'd like to believe that I am very secure in it.  There are some things that I do that my friends are like, "Why the heck would you do something like that??"  Well, I really don't think twice about the things that I do.  I am very comfortable with letting my little nieces paint my fingernails and toenails... I really enjoy it actually.  Not because I like looking "pretty", but because it makes them happy.  I know that my neices are very girly, they love to laugh too.  So if it will make them happy I'll let them do it.  If it is something I can take off realitively easily... go for it!  I don't mind make-up, fingernail polish, ect.

  I guess I figure that when I'm a dad, I don't want to be a rigid man that my little girls can't relate with.  I want my kids to love me like I will love them, with all my heart!  Who cares if you have to take a couple of minutes taking nail polish off of your toes, make-up off of your face, or hair products out of your hair.  It will pay off in the long run when there is something wrong and you are in a relationship where you are comfortable talking to or being around each other, I'm not saying that letting children have free reign over you will give you that type of relationship... but it will sure help.

 

  Why is it that the not-so-nice girls are attracted to me??  It seems to be the story of my life.  The girls aren't mean, they just don't have the standards I have.  There has only been one girl who has had my standards, I knew she liked me... but she was a man in disguise, HUGE.  Cami was a great girl, but as I had said on the other site, I can't deal with holding a man's hand or anything like it.  And well she had major man hands.

  Anyways, back to the subject!  Other than Cami, all the girls who I know have an interest in me have been the skankiest girls.  It's wearing me down!  What attracts those girls to me?  I'm tired of being abused!  I feel bad because the only reason I even think about dating these girls is because I've almost given up on good girls liking me.  When there is alot of crap going on in my life I want some one to be there that will care about me.  I know my family and friends do, but that is a different kind of love and worrying.  I'm not looking for someone who waits on me hand and foot, I'm just looking for someone that will be sympathetic to my feelings and who I can talk to about anything. 

  These are just the feelings I have, it would be nice to cuddle with someone that likes me back, or that I like back.  I guess I'm a cuddle bug!  I love to be next to girls, it relaxes me.  But anywho, I'm tired of looking to the wrong people for comfort.

 

  I just don't understand why I'm the one who gets blamed for alot of stuff.  We were chilling (actually we were roasting) at Raini's graduation.  Travis and I were kicking it with Raini's family and MyKelle snuck up on Travis and I and geabbed both of our butts.  I didn't complain... I actually asked her to do it again! J/K... Anywho, as she was talking to someone she knew, I got her back... she hit me.  She said, "You can't do that to me, I can only do it to you..."  Well, I hate to break it to you toots, but you opened up a can of worms grabbing my butt, that gives me free reign  to grab your but atleast once.  It was funny because I was standing behind her and her mom was standing to the left of us.  I leaned over and wispered to her mom, "Let's do an experiment... you grab MyKelle's butt when she is not looking and we will see who she hits."  Dawn is the coolest, she was totally game!  So, as the graduation went on, Dawn grabbed MyKelle's butt.  Myk turned around and hit me!  She looked at me in a I'm going to beat you look and turned back around.  A couple of minutes later Dawn did it again!  once again I got an elbow to the ribs.  A couple of minutes later her dad reached over and grabbed her... yet another jab to the ribs.  Just after that Travis pitched in on the experiment, he grabbed her and MyKelle turned around and punched me.  Ouch!  That hurts my feel bads! 

  The funny thing is that she didn't know that it wasn't me until late that night.  Do I look like I'm the kind of person that would just go around and grab girls rears?!  Okay, I admit... I am.  Actually I used to walk in the mall and if a hot girl passed by and there was a big group to get lost in, I'd full on grab her butt as she walked past.  I know that was and is a stupid thing to do, but hey it was fun, and some of their butts were out of this world!  Yeah, I might go to hell for that, but I'm trying to be better... I haven't grabbed a strangers butt in probably a year or so.  Now I just stick to friends... J/K. 

  Okay that's enough of that story!  Well the experiment results were bad, apparently Nick is known as a perverted freak and will be forever blamed for grabbing butts, even if I'm not even in the room!  That sucks on my end... well I don't want to disprove science so off I go to do apparently what I do best.  See ya!!!

 

 

 

 

I'll try to be a little more diligent in updating the site, and hopefully soon I can remodel the site to be more appealing and change up the pictures too.  Have fun and be safe, cause if you die I'm going to have to kill you.  I crack myself up sometimes.